Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Not dealing with it well

I know I wrote about this already yesterday but I think it may be good therapy for me to write about it some more so please let me talk (or write).
I keep telling myself that I know it is her time and after all at 105 years old lets face it she has lived a great life.However my heart is not saying that.My heart is saying no God please I do not want to let her go. She is so very very special to me. My reasonable side of the brain tells me this is all part of the job, it happens deal with it accept it and go on.My overly sensitive side says NO NO NO I want to keep her forever.I cannot begin to explain how I am feeling and the sadness I am feeling.It is time like this I think get out from this job Brian seeing them die can be to hard on your soft side. Then again a part of me wants to be there to make sure if I am with them when they take there last breath it is taken knowing the person there cares for them.Like others I know the pain will get easier. I know there will be others who will steal my heart. But for now my heart aches.
I just want her to go peacefully no suffering, no fighting for breath and mostly no pain.
Thanks for letting me pour out my heart. I know she is going to a wonderful place.She is ready to go home, to be reunited with loved ones.I hurt because I will miss the hugs, the joking around, but mostly her smile that could warm up a room and her sparkel in her eyes that just made you love her all the more.I promise no more downer blogs.....


Steffie B. said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. You'll be in my prayers.

Beckyb said...

It can't be much longer, can it? I will be praying - she need peace and rest and the Lord knows!

Emmie said...

I'll keep u in my prayers! Hang in there!

Emmie said...

**Love the new blog layout!**

libgran said...

Brian I think your cry is the same that we all face when we think about our own short lives. I love that song by Mercy Me that really describes how it feels to watch death come for someone we love. Thinking about you! Here are some of the words to the song:

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Joel said...

You know Brian, I was just talking to one of my fellow firefighter/paramedic friends on the way back from a Des Moines transfer (he is a former nursing home aide as well!). Johanna's passing reminded me of all the people you and I used to know and share laughs with. Jean, Selma, Leona, Florence, Lyda, and the list goes on and on. Most of them are gone, and while that makes me sad, I know that I will see them again. Can you imagine what that will be like?