Thursday, March 8, 2007

Self Esteem

I just finished reading a friends blog on her being the what if lady.What if this or that happens, she said how she often lays awake being worried about things.
I was right up there too with her. I would wonder if my friends were mad at me ,did I upset them. What if they just are pretending to be my friend because they feel sorry for me.(Yes I would truly think that too).
I always have and am sure always will have very low self esteem.I always feel others are so much better then I am and smarter and just have there life in order better then I do. Please do not get me wrong deep down I know I am just as good as the next person,however it is very hard to think that way all the time.
Now for what I think is the reason....
Growing up in a Dutch community and in a small town everyone always has the dreaded "FAMILY SECRETS". My family was no exception.In my family it was always we will not tell your dad.Lets not upset dad.No my dad was not an abusive man physically, but verbally he was and still is.The reason being he is an alcoholic. Has been for as long as I can remember. Dad would come home from work fix a drink and just keep drinking all evening long many time till he was passed out or almost passed out on the couch.I remember being embarrassed when I would have a friend over (and I did that seldom) because I knew it was not NORMAL for someone to be drinking all the time like that. I would also worry about what others would think and if he was going to say something stupid.I seldom got encouragement from him and hardly ever remember him playing outside with us kids.When I see dads and kids playing now days and relationships kids have with their dads it still hurts.I so wanted that too.A good friend of mine helped me to try get over the anger I had by telling me that his drinking problem is an illness just like my depression was. As a child I always just wanted to hear an I'm proud of you.Yes there is still some anger but I've decided I have to Let go and Let God take over.My mom and I often talk of what pain and hurt he has caused her too. When I hear of the things he has said to her I feel my blood pressure rise. I want to go tell him what I thin how I feel and what I think he should do. But I know it is up to him and from what he has said he has no plans of stopping. I think if it came down to it he would chose his alcohol over his family.
So parents do me a favor..... Always tell your kids how proud you are of them even when they screw up.Take time to listen to them,encourage them and tell them you love them.But most of all take time to do things that will build a lifetime of memories for them.
Thanks for letting me vent. I did not write this for self pitty or attention but just to share my heart.
I think self esteem starts at a young age and it can depend a lot on the upbringing to how good your esteem is.
I've gotten better over the years and truly feel my job I have now has helped. I feel I am making a difference in someones life.


Beckyb said...

Ok you two - are you ganging up on me?!?!? Yes, Lord, I'm listening!!!! :) Thanks for being my earthly Holy Spirit!!!

Steffie B. said...

Another interesting post. I'm trying to catch up on all the ones I have missed from you.

kris said...

Remember always that we grow strong from the broken places Brian. It sounds like you have missed out on having a dad.

I don't like to blog too much about my past. My dad and I haven't really spoken since my mom's death- very long story- so seeing him at the finish line was one of those moments where I felt he was proud of me- I can relate to what you're talking about... my dad too is/was an alcoholic and when I was a child he was abusive (physically and verbally to my mom) and verbally to us. We survived it, and though our relationship is very strained since my mom's death, I don't lose hope in God's plan or will for us.

I think you will be surprised by how you grow from that- and how your self esteem changes over the years. I think just posting this is proof of your own strength, and certainly of your bravery. These are really tough things to talk about.

I wish you all the best.

Emmie said...

You are a great man Mr. Brian and are making a difference in many people's lives!

libgran said...

Wow Brian, THanks for sharing your heart so much. Sometimes I look at my kids and think, "it's too late for me to do anything now. They're all grown up." But I think you're right, your kids can always use an "I'm proud of you" no matter how old they are. And just so you know...You are so special! God can and will use even the hurt and the pain in your life for something good.