Saturday, February 17, 2007

For everything I think there is a reason


I truely do believe that for everything there is a reason. It may be a good thing or it may be a trial we have in our life.
They always say God does not give us more then we can deal with but At the time I wondered. Now looking back I agree, it just seems at the time there is now light at the end of the tunnel.
It was back in the late 80's when I just could not figure out what was wrong with me. I had no energy,I did not care about things and I just felt like manure all the time.It continued to get worse and worse. It finaly got to the point that I just wanted to end my life.There seemed like nothing or anyone could make things better.I kept thinking of how much better eveyone would be if I was no longer living.
I finaly decided that enough was enough and took a hand full of some pills I had at home I was not sure what they were (only to find out later they were a muscle relaxer, well at least I slept good that night).The next day I sought some help and saw a doctor after a friend came and took me there themselfs.
For a while things seemed to maintain themself and I was doing OK.
But in November of 1991 I hit rock bottom. Newly married I was misserable. A new wife and two step kids and I knew I had made a huge mistake at getting married. I could no longer function, I was constantly in tears and for no reason. I decided I needed more help then medication could give me.I addmited myself into a hospital for treatment of depression.
When I was there I would try praying for help to overcome this and soon be well again, but I just could not pray.I could not find the words to ask God for help. That was when I turned to my church family for help.When my pastor of the church I was attending at that time visited me I asked that he please ask the congration to plese pray for me because I could not do it myself.The response was overwhelming, I recieved over 100 card notes and letters of encouragement from people not only in my church but in the comunitte. After 1 month in treatment I was allowed to return to the real world, not an easy task. I had lost 25lbs.( wish I could do that part again)
and had to return to a marriage that I was very unhappy in but was in denial about.I kept saying no things are fine .Slowly I got better and was able to take things one day at a time.
Move ahead about an other 10 years and I was at a very low again. This time I was just starting to attending an other church. We had a special evening in a park with a special time of prayer.I so wanted to ask for prayer but how could I after all I had only been there for a few months.So I kept quiet.On the ride home a couple who had picked me up and I got talking. I told them about my struggles and how I was feeling. To my shock and suprise they offered to pray for me in my driveway before i got out of the car.
It has been through all this I have learned to thank God for my rough times.I've learned to never to be afraid to ask for prayer andto share your burdens.
But mostly I have learned that I now have a special place in my heart for those struggling with depression and I have a heart and an ear to listen and encourage. and pray.
Yes I still struggle but not as bad. But I now know i can ask for prayer and to thank God for how he has made me a stronger person because of this.
I know this was very long but I love to share how God has done great things in my life.
Praise him!!!!!

6 comments:

libgran said...

Wow Brian. Thanks for sharing your heart. You are indeed special and valued. Thanks, too, for being such a good neighbor.

Emmie said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Just continue to pray!

Beckyb said...

Brian -that was special and I know God is STILL using you and the struggles you've had in the lives of others. I love it that God can take our struggles, trials, etc. and then use them for His purposes!!

Steffie B. said...

Thank you for sharing such a heart felt post. It is nice to get to know you a little more all the time. I always look forward to reading your blog. I find that it contains a lot of humor, and wisdom....right about the time I could use some! Thank you....
S*

kris said...

What an amazing post Brian. I'm so glad to have found your blog today. And like you, I'm always amazed at how our own suffering, our own struggles, bring us not only closer to God, but also to each other.
Kris

dublin said...

Today is the first time I have seen your blog. I had to stop reading at this particular post, long enough to comment...

I think it is awesome that you have been so transparent about your struggles with depression. As a Christian, it is tough to admit such struggles. I am speaking for myself, here! I, too, have struggled with lifelong DEEP depressions (to the point of yearning to take my own life many times). Three years ago, my family doc put me on an anti-depressant and told me, "you just plan to stay on this the rest of your life! Just think of it as you would blood pressure medication." The medication made a profound difference for me. I began SLEEPING normally for the first time in my life and everything in my day to day life just began seeming so much more do-able. My only problem was that I still could not mentally separate my propensity for severe depression from a sense of spiritual failure...so, taking that pill every morning was like a cop-out to me.

I went off it a few times, and found that "yes", I COULD function without the medication...it is just that it took every ounce of determination I have. Without the medication I slog through life like I am waist deep in mud. I can DO it...and, by golly, I can KEEP my head above the mud if I constantly WORK at doing so...but, is that any way to live life? My husband votes "no"...he and my children prefer being with the "medicated" me, over the spiritually abstaining me.

Slowly, I am beginning to equate treatment for depression more like I view treatment for diabetes...not optional and certainly not unspiritual. I would be shocked if someone told me they were going to quit their insulin because they knew that it was a crutch keeping them from having to rely fully on God. I wouldn't just be shocked, but I would also be extremely disapproving. So, why do I beat myself up over needing a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor?

Anyway, I say all that just to say this: I really admire your honesty and you aren't the only Christian out here who loves God and is YIELDED to Him, but still struggles with depression.